Do not attempt to put this up your b#tt

I am beginning to think that all this sailing is continuous pain, suffering, and exhaustion. Even when not in a sailing class, the 25' MacGregor we have needs constant attention and definitely is not an automatic "transmission" (to use a car term). I am beginning to reconsider my new hobby of choice.

Luckily, Carla (our new sailing buddy) invited me to sail with her and her husband on her sailing friend, Mark's, 32' Catalina on Saturday in Sausalito. At first I am quite tentative thinking, I'm not good enough and then I read his invite. His sales pitch was smooth because by the end of his email, I was in. Newbies welcomed! Newbie, that's me. And boy, am I glad I joined the gang.

As I weave my way through Sausalito, I am enamored with the area, the town and the view. Wow! If you have the chance to check the place out, make it a stop. At the Sausalita marina, the Captain, Mark, is getting his boat ready for us to come aboard. I pay $40 (obligatory, but not required) and he let's me help him sail. I'm okay with it because I figure it's for gas, wear and tear, and any pain in the ass stuff that he has to deal with when he takes on newbies like myself. I'm ready to work donning gloves, rain gear, and my own life jacket.

I'm here, ready to go through dozen of drills, up/down, man overboard, and finish with the hokee pokee while I turn myself around. Nothing could be further from the scene. Thank god. The inside of the boat is luxurious. Two bedroom, full size stove, good size galley (kitchen to you and me), and a shower in the head (bathroom). One person could quite comfortably live here full time. And the deck on the boat can sit 6 without a hitch. The jib sail is retractable, so one person can sail. And the motor is an easy push button away. With a gps and depthfinder, we're all set. Now for the kick ass stereo and the wine cooler. Yep electric wine cooler. Now this is sailing.

He cranks up the motor and she purrs out of the marina and we're off to the bay. As we sail under the golden gate, the Blue Angels fly in formation over the golden gate. The weather is perfect and soon my long john silver look is replaced for, not the Carribean, but at least not for the great Artic. Ahh, not a man overboard drill or jibe exercise in sight. I'm kind of disappointed, in a "oh thank god" kinda way.

We sail back under the bridge, following the dolphin pair that is racing with 3 seals. Cool. We've tacked maybe four times and not a jibe. Captain Mark anchors us right in front of the marine reserve and we snack on yummy cheese and fresh, warm bread as the marine life meanders around the boat. Okay, I think I'll keep this hobby.

As we sail leeward of the wind around Alcatraz, I start to nod off in the warm sun. Suddenly, we come around the north side of the island and the gale wind takes the boat. Whoa! I am jolted awake and the Captain yells "Release the mainstay!" "Mainstay? What's a mainstay again? What's it do? How do you do that? Who's supposed to do that? Oh, sh*t, that's me." I jump to my feet and attempt to jerk the line to release it. Nothing. Jerk, jerk. Nothing. Uh oh, we're heeling over pretty good now. I climb up on top of the top deck and jerk the line with all my might. Released!! Yes! The main sail is free and our boat's mast is not going to kiss the bay. Yeah!

I am estactic for about a millisecond before slipping on the seawater on the deck, and gravity, ever present, comes into play, and my ass is racing straight for the jib winch with no signs of stopping. Yow!!! Oh that hurts! The only thing that saved me from the winch's unnatural injection is that the winch diameter is 4 inches, but it tried. Everybody laughs and asks if I'm okay, and what else can I say but "Sure." Meanwhile my sphincter muscle is spasming in a very unnatural way. I sit gingerly on the hard plastic deck bench and calmly clamp down on everything that needs to be clamped down at that moment. Whoo.....you ought see my pitutee now.....there are some way interesting colors and bruises in some way unheard of places. And all in all, still good fun....

Remember to keep it upright.